You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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