Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Shame - the story of my life.
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