god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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