why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
