I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
