i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My ass is underappreciated
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
