david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
