It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
