A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
