My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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