I can tuck mytits in my pants
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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