I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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