A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize