you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
