So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
