I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
