if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
