I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
