highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
