Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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