He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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