My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Randomize
