then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
