There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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