well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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