I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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