oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
