definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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