"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize