The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
