Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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