he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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