Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
