Sacagawea was the original milf.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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