i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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