we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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