so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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