I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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