I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
