dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
