eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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