Why is your signature on my underwear?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
