Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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