Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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