Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
