me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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