I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
