I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
