Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
