porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
