I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
