My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
