I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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