Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
