what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Someone signed my nipple.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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