I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize