Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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