I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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