My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
