he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Ladies don't puke and tell
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
