you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize