Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
