living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
