her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
